


bleed just to know you're alive

by lxshton



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, I'm not sure where this came from, Self Harm, Triggers, idk - Freeform, its not all sad i promise, kinda sad, lots of ot4 stuff tho, made me cry whilst i was writing it so, this is a muke central story but it kinda develops later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-01-18 01:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1410535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxshton/pseuds/lxshton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>michael doesn't understand how he can achieve so much but feel nothing at all</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. o n e

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: i’m not really sure where this came from, but i’m quite proud of it. this may be extremely triggering, just getting that out there. this made me cry writing it, so yeah. it’s a little sad, i think. sorry about that. feedback is appreciated!
> 
> disclaimer: this is fiction!!! i do not own any of the characters involved.
> 
> all mistakes are my own. soz.

Michael didn’t understand why he felt this way. His band was on the verge of a worldwide breakthrough and he had millions of girls who would fall at his feet at just the mere sight of him. And yet, he felt so empty. He just wanted to feel something, anything.

He wanted to feel the rush of adrenaline and blissful happiness he used to have every time he stepped on a stage, he wanted to feel that endless love that he used to for the fans, he wanted to make the most of this whirlwind journey that he was so lucky to be experiencing with his three best mates.

He was on the verge of achieving everything that he had ever dreamed of, and everything that he thought he never would. But still, he felt nothing.

So when, one night, the other boys ask him whether he wants to come out with them, he politely declines. He receives an extremely concerned frown from Luke, so he musters every ounce of self will he has left in his empty body and offers Luke a weak smile. Luke doesn’t seem convinced, but nevertheless follows Calum and Ashton out of the door. He glances back in Michael’s direction before lightly shutting the door. Michael feels nothing.

Michael wants to cry. He wants to cry so hard that his heart begins to ache, and his soul begins to throb. He just wants to feel something. But he can’t do that, because he doesn’t feel any sadness to warrant tears. He feels nothing.

So when he switches on some depressing music and walks into the bathroom, the idea of what he is planning to do doesn’t scare him at all. He slumps himself against the wall and slowly slides down. He is so desperate to feel something, just something, that he is willing to do anything it takes.

Maybe he should have thought this through, because now there is blood running down his arm and he’s not quite sure what he is doing. But when he finally feels something, it’s as if the weight of the world has been lifted off his shoulders. And even though it hurts, he smiles to himself. Because he is capable of feeling things, he’s not dead inside. So he presses down harder.

Michael doesn’t really remember much after that.

When Michael wakes up he is met by the sight of three exhausted, emotionally drained and absolutely distraught faces. Michael feels something again, but this time, he doesn’t smile. Causing pure pain to the three people who he cares for the most in this world leads Michael to feel worse than he ever has in his entire life.

This time, Michael does cry. He buries his head into the hospital pillows and cries so hard that he finally feels his heartache and he finally feels his soul throb.

“I should have stayed! Why did I leave? I’m such a shit friend!” he hears Luke whimper between sobs.

And Michael decides that he never wants to feel this guilty again.


	2. t w o

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "in life, many things don't go according to plan. If you fall, get back up. If you stumble, re-gain your balance, but whatever you do never give up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to make this a mini series. i felt like i could develop the story further and explore the world a little more. if people like where this is going and want more, just leave me a comment so that i know that people want me to carry on with this. i'm not the best writer, but i hope that my work is a good read.
> 
> obviously, none of this is real. it's all fiction.
> 
> all mistakes are mine and i apologise.

It’s been a day since Michael woke up and found himself in a hospital bed. Michael doesn’t really recall much of what happened then, except from crying so much he couldn’t breathe, and the slight prick of a nurse sliding a needle into his arm. Turns out that nurses were worried about his mental state so decided to put him back to sleep to give his mind time to recover. But Michael thought that was stupid, because his head was already so fucked up beyond repair. He had tried to kill himself, for christ stake.

It took a while for the drug to wear off enough for Michael to gradually wake up. Although, if it was up to him, he would be in favour of never waking up ever again. The thought of facing his bandmates again after the last time made him want to be physically sick.

He could see a white light emerging above him and after a few seconds his eyeballs fluttered open. His visual was blurry and starry, but he could just make out the outline of a face staring over him.

“Mikey?” he heard a familiar voice whisper. Luke.

“Lu-uke?” Michael manage to stumble out, cursing his speech for betraying him.

Before he knew it, Michael was enclosed in the arms of his best friend, silent sobs being released into his bare shoulder.

“Mikey, you have no idea how much I have been worrying about you. I thought you were going to die, I thought I’d lost you,” Luke stuttered out between strangled sobs, “you stoppe-ed breathing, your blood pressure was so low. You lost a lot of blood Mikey, I thought I had lost you.” Luke’s voice broke as he choked out sob after sob, engulfing Michael’s shoulder into a puddle of water.

Michael finally got his vision to focus in on Luke. He looked liked he hadn’t slept in days and had extremely dark, prominent circles etched under his eyes. Michael felt his heart shatter for the second time in just over a day. How is it, that he goes years searching for some kind of emotion, anything, and then is hit like a tonne of bricks by the worst kind of possible emotions all in the space of 24 hours? He had gone from feeling nothing to feeling like his heart was disintegrating before his own very eyes. He winced as Luke pulls him into a tighter embrace and Luke jumped back instantly. He stares at Michael’s bandage-clad arm and bit the inside of his cheek to try and stop the flow of a new batch of tears that were rimming his eyes.

“’m sorry,” Luke whispered, gently picking up michael’s arm and placing soft kisses on the bandage. Michael brought his eyes up to meet Luke’s for the first time and swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. He hated making Luke feel like this, but he needed to be honest with him. He needed to tell Luke what he was thinking.

“Luke,” Michael said softly, his voice threatening to break at any point, “I want you to know that I love you. And I love Cal and Ash, also. I don’t know what I was thinking, heck, I don’t think I was even thinking any coherent thoughts at all. All I wanted was to feel human, I just wanted to feel something. I pressed the blade harder into my skin –“ he was cut of by Luke whispering “michael” in a strained voice, obviously not ready to hear a detailed dramatisation of how his best friend almost killed himself. But no, he needed to say this, needed Luke to know how truly messed up he was, so he carried on. “I pressed it harder because it felt so good, and I wanted to feel some more. I didn't even think about you guys,” he dropped his gaze, too ashamed to even look Luke in the eyes. “I tried to kill myself and all I could think about was how good it felt.” he winced and choked out a sob, wishing that he had pressed the blade down even harder so that he didn't have to face up to what he had done. “All I have done is caused the people I love pain,” he lifted his gaze back up to Luke eyes, just as a single tears fell from Luke’s eyes and splashed onto Michaels bare leg, forming a new puddle of pain. “I never meant to cause you this much pain. I hate myself for it. I'm so sorry.”

Luke’s lips formed into a weak smile, causing Michael’s eyebrows to furrow together in confusion. He was just about to open his mouth to protest when he was stopped by Luke placing a single finger on his lips.

“Michael. You’re alive, and you’re breathing. That’s all I care about right now. You have nothing to be sorry for, you were suffering and I did nothing to help you, and I’m so sorry for that.” Luke brought his fingers up to Michael’s cheekbone and brushed light strokes over it. “I want to help you fight this. So do Calum and Ashton. We want to help you through this. Last night I thought I had lost you for good, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that that never happens again. You’re my best friend, Michael. And when I thought you had died, a little piece of me died inside.” Luke leaned in so that their noses were touching, eyes boring into each other. Both boys were crying, both boys were oozing pain from every molecule in their bodies. Luke swallowed hard and in a voice so weak and broken it was almost inaudible whispered, “I need you, buddy. I can’t function without you. Please stay?”

And Michael’s heart was beating so hard he was sure he would have promised to stick by whatever Luke may have asked him.

Instead, he leant further into the younger boys touch so that their foreheads were pressed together, and nodded his headed slowly. Mustering up a small smile, Michael looked Luke dead in the eyes and promised a promise that he could only hope and pray that he could keep.

 

“Okay. I’ll stay.”


	3. t h r e e

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calum just wants to see his best friend smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this is so short and shitty but i just wanted to update because i haven't updated in so long i promise the next chapter will be less shitty okay
> 
> also this isn't edited so all mistakes are my own and i'm v sorry i hope this isn't too bad

"How you feeling today, Mikey?" Calum asked softly, placing a tray of breakfast on the bedside table.

"Better," Michael nodded, a weak smile playing on his lips.

It had been three days since Michael had tried to kill himself. Two days since he had promised Luke that he would try and get better. One day since the realisation dawned that it wouldn't be as easy as just 'getting better,' Michael was ill, they all knew that. It was going to be hard work, but Michael was determined to never let the boys down again.

"I've made you some toast and a coffee. I was going to make you a full English breakfast and everything was going great until I realised that I didn't know how to work the grill," Calum grimaced, scratching his neck awkwardly.

Michael couldn't help but stifled a laugh, shaking his head as he wondered what he had done to deserve such dorky, amazing best friends.

"Toast is good," Michael smiled, "Besides, I don't fancy experiencing death by Calum's undercooked sausages. Not how I planned on going." Michael smirked, completely aware of how fucked up that comment was in the context of his situation. You know, laying in a hospital bed after a suicide attempt, whilst joking about death. The frown that crept up on Calum's face confirmed to Michael the fact that he really needs to think more about what he says before he says it.

"Sorry," Michael whispered, lowering his head ashamed.

"S'kay dude," Calum sighed, patting Michael lightly on the shoulder, before slowly making his way to the door. "I have to go out now, but Luke should be up soon. Just eat your damn toast, okay?" he added, a light chuckle escaping his mouth.

"Yessir," Michael nodded, eyes shining brightly, watching as Calum grinned, before swiftly exiting the room.

Michael stared at the empty door way and sighed. Alone again. He pulled himself up into a sitting position and grabbed himself a piece of toast, before being interrupted mid bite by Calum poking his head back around the door frame.

Michael stared at Calum, eyes wide with expectancy. He'd say something, but you know, that was kind of difficult with a mouth rammed full of toast.

Calum laughed, shaking his head disbelievingly. 

"Michael Clifford, you are a disgustingly filthy creature. And to say I walked all the way back up those damn stairs just to say I love you," 

Michael grinned, suddenly not caring about the pieces of toast spilling out his mouth. Well, that is until he accidentally inhaled some crumbs and ended up sprawled across the bed, choking up his guts and lungs and whatever the fuck else.

He could just about hear Calum by the doorway, literally rolling around on the floor laughing. Michael didn't know that was an actual thing until just now. He wouldn't know.

Calum hauled himself back up to his feet, catching eye contact with Michael once again. Michael pouted.

"Fucking idiot," Calum smiled, exiting the room for the second time.

"Hey!" Michael protested loudly, only to be met by Calum poking his head around the door again, making a kissy face before exiting the room for good this time.

Michael just smiled. A genuine smile. He knew getting better was going to be the hardest thing he would have to do, but he knew that with his three boys next to him, he could do anything.

"Love you too," He whispered, before shoving another piece of toast into his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is sO bad omg
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr my user is alluringlucas kk


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